in the silence

alone in the silence

my heart begins to pound

my chest tightens

and deep breaths

won’t stop

this panic

in this silence

I can hear my heart

pounding

against my chest

the room spins

and everything

feels too heavy

all at once

if I could go back

do it all over

fix what went wrong

and try again

for a happy

ever

after -

I wouldn’t.

because you

can’t be anyone else

you will always

be

who you are

and this is me

after you

sitting alone

inside my head

fighting

this ever-present panic

talking myself down

almost daily

and tossing my lighters

so I can’t feel the burn

of flame on flesh

like I used to

the only thing stronger

than this pain

and what scares me

is how I crave it

because physical pain

hurts so much less

than these shards

of what was once

a whole heart…