broke your own heart

“Nobody broke your heart… you broke your own, ‘cause you can’t finish what you start.” 

He told me that I was remarkable. Even as I sat on the other end of the line, sniffling and crying without trying to hide it. After I read him the thoughts I’d written out while he was in the shower, to make sure I didn’t forget anything. He told me that I was remarkable, and that we were going to be okay. That he felt safe being completely honest with me, and he’d never had a partner react to his honesty with so much love and decorum. 

And yet, I couldn’t stop my heart from cracking wide open, all over again. Why? 

On the surface, I could say it was the sting of hearing him call me unstable - just because I had revealed to him that I still struggle with anxiety and panic attacks - or the feeling of rejection that always comes with hearing someone say they need space from me. Like a validation of my deepest fear - that I am unlovable, and altogether too much.

But I always do this. I always try to pretend that I can’t hear what my heart is saying. Or that my heart is saying something different than my head. Like when I knew that he was pulling away, that he was going to tell me he needed space, that he was going to cancel our plans - I knew all of this. It was the cause of my restlessness, why I knew I needed to talk to him. And why I knew he was avoiding talking to me. But I ignored it, because that’s what I do. 

I needed to hear him say it before I would let myself believe it, even though I already knew. Because I always try to pretend that I can’t hear what my heart is saying, even though I can hear it loud and clear. 

And my response - the response that made me “remarkable” in his eyes - was nothing more than me saying that I would gladly carve away pieces of myself to make sure I fit into the space he was holding open in his life for someone… even if that someone really shouldn’t be me. 

Well. And there I go again, breaking my own damn heart.

And that was the moment that I knew I couldn’t stay.